I am back again in Beijing after returning home for a brief, but much needed break in San Diego. It was incredibly uplifting to see everyone and hear how God has been challenging and growing you in the past half year.
In my last email to you guys I was discouraged since I had realized that many of the lessons that God had taught me over the summer were lost as I noticed lots of complaining in my heart. Whether it was complaining about the oily food, the less than ideal weather, or even the constant threat of sickness, I was definitely not exhibiting a thankful attitude. Furthermore, the self-induced stress that I put on myself to perform to perfection in school left me in a hapless state of weariness. However, since October God has been doing a great work in my heart and I am excited to share with you guys the specifics of God’s goodness.
Since I last emailed, I finished up my first semester in China, returned home for three weeks and came back to China again for my last and final semester. All throughout the way, God has been convicting me through Scripture, through friends and the Holy Spirit that there were some serious flaws in my attitude and in the state of my heart. For as long as I can remember, I have always tried to think of worldly ways to increase my productivity. I would try almost everything, from writing little post-its to remind myself to do my best and not to waste time to creating elaborate schedules for myself that was to the minute detailed. But, time and time again I found myself falling short of these lofty goals. And, the cycle would go round and round again.
While this issue has perplexed me for years, I have finally found the answer to my problem, though it was under my nose all along. What I was struggling with was not a simple problem of laziness, though laziness was a byproduct; what I was struggling with was a deeper issue of the heart. My motivation to be a disciplined man was for merely selfish reasons, primarily to dominate school to show friends and family that I was worthy. But, time and time again God humbled me by showing me how foolish this motivation was.
Since reading Jonathan Edwards resolutions and learning about the resolve of Noah and Abraham in Genesis, I noticed that all these guys had a common motivation. They all knew of God’s faithfulness, but resolved to do things for his glory and not for their own. When God challenged Abraham to offer his child Isaac to God as a sacrifice, Abraham had to throw out his own ambitions and trust in God’s promises. In a time of futility and debauchery, Noah exhibited that he was a man of God, blameless and righteous even when everyone and everything else pointed in the other direction. Edwards, more so than anyone else, has illustrated to me how important it is to do things with a constant reminder of the Heavenly and not just for the short sighted duration of our earthly lives. What we do now has great consequence and bearing on our future lives; we cannot simply live today as if tomorrow is guaranteed.
With this attitude in mind, I have learned to live my life with a new purpose. Areas that I struggle with, such as laziness, acting on impulse, tardiness and more, are now things that I am unafraid to confront. As many of you may already know, I tend to think in terms of a world apart from reality. This has led to many lofty ambitions, but a life that has fallen short on my levels. Today, though, I am glad to share with you that by God’s grace alone, I have come to trust in His faithfulness and have began thinking everything through a Heaven-centered perspective.
One of Edwards resolves that hit me hard was “#17 Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.” In this day and age where there is constant threat of terrorism, financial crisis and the like, we are NOT guaranteed that tomorrow will come. I’ve realized that I cannot take any day, hour or even minute for granted and in the same light, I must use all my time to God’s glory, whether it be studying, hanging out with friends, worshipping or whatever.
One of the fruits that I have seen in my new perspective thus far is an attitude of thankfulness. For much of last semester, I noticed that I was not being a good witness of Christ, when I would be in a constant state of complaining. Too much homework, unfair grading, more cafeteria food? The complaints were endless. Even being disciplined led to a great sense of stress in my heart, since I dreaded doing homework, using every minute to the fullest, and completing responsibilities. Today, my teacher asked us what the most “麻烦(mafan)”/problematic part of life was for us. For a while, I couldn’t think of anything. This shocked me, since in the past I didn’t even need to think of complaints, I was full of them. Now, I found myself in a state of thankfulness and contentment in the Lord. Although I later shared with the class that growing up, leaving my parents for the time being, and seeing my sister move on to a new chapter in life have been the tougher parts of life as of late, even those seemed to be a blessing from God.
I am anticipating a challenging quarter, but with a new attitude of God-centeredness in all aspects of life, I have made some active changes in my life. I have been getting to bed early and waking up early to study His word (this is tough for a college student), I have been prompt to appointments/classes/etc, I have taken respnsibility for my mistakes and sins instead of making excuses, and I have been committed to not delay things til “tomorrow.” However, please don’t mistake these changes as the cause for my transformation, for they are all merely fruits of God’s goodness.
For those of you who had the endurance to read through my long-winded email, thank you; I simply cannot help but sing praises of how good God is. I earnestly hope that the work that God has done in my life can be an encouragement to you. Lastly, I have to thank you with all my heart, because your prayers have been tremendous in growing, strengthening and sustaining me while I have been in Beijing. God is faithful, all the time.
9 months ago
